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« First Snow! | Main | Additonal thoughts on the Now What post »

10 December 2007

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Jane

So sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Just now opened your latest posting. You are probably out of town now, attending to necessary things in Alabama, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. I lost my mother more than ten years ago -- it was a feeling almost impossible to describe. For 45 years I had had a mother and suddenly it was like someone had snapped the tablecloth out from under the dishes -- the dishes remained in place, but the underlying piece was gone -- and ever so quickly! Hope you're okay.

Sheila Hyatt

I wanted to say I was sorry to hear of your mother's death, but that isn't true. Death is expected, even hoped for, at that age. Maybe when people say that are sorry they actually mean that they are sorry that you are having to go through this.

What I do want to say is that I really appreciated your observations. I often read comments, "He/she was devastated, lost, destroyed, etc. after the death of his/her mother/father." I often think that such a person must have a much larger bank account of found memories from which to make withdrawals. I did have the cookie baking, costume making, wet cloth to the forehead mother, but there weren't any hugs and no actual words of love. Plus, it all went away when I hit the preadolescent years, and I spent the rest of my life feeling that I never was good enough.

I like to feel that I've done and am still doing the right things. I went through all the care giving motions with my dad before his death, had my mother live with us for a year, and now see her at least twice a week in a nursing home.

I hope it is different with my children, but who knows? I've tried to be more demonstrative. We communicate. I try to make them feel valued, but in the end, they may feel indifference for totally different reasons.

I was going to send this by email, but seem to have lost your address. At any rate, I am appreciative of your honesty. It helps.

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